


Can't

by Shinigamibutter



Series: Tattooed Souls [4]
Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Falling In Love, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Tattoos, falling for straight boys, love yourself vibes, this became cheesier than expected
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-25 19:25:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19752250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinigamibutter/pseuds/Shinigamibutter
Summary: Myungjun has grown tired of falling in love. And even though this time it's his soulmate he can't bring himself to believe in a happy ending.





	Can't

**Author's Note:**

> This one is loosely connected to the first piece in this series. 
> 
> This doesn't conclude Tattooed Souls, because I might add more one day. But this is the last plotted an planned for work in it.

Myungjun felt like just for a second he’d swallowed his tongue, or that it was so thick in his mouth he was choking. Either, or. The feeling was unpleasant and he just wanted it to go away. The same way he wanted to gouge out the feelings that were starting to take hold in him already, just as quickly as they always did. And he feared, just like he always did, they would amount to the same results as they always did. Heartbreak.

Yet, just like all the times before there was nothing Myungjun could do. He was weak in the hands of love. Something that Moonbin had told him repeatedly, and would probably repeat to him again. Only this time likely sing~songed over facetime with Eunwoo, Moonbin’s perfect, handsome, rich, famous, and totally as gay as he was soulmate. And in a moment like that Myungjun would curse his own fate and his perpetual falling for straight boys. Or boys that seemed so straight it hurt. 

Not that any of his crushes so far had turned out to be secretly gay boys, he’d just seen it happen for others. Which was why he wanted to stop already, even though the feelings had just taken root. He didn’t want them to go farther, he didn’t want to be hurt again. Yet here he was, again, unable to look away from the boy, no the man that had just walked in. Looking straighter than Christian Jesus and carrying that fuck boy attitude on his sleeve. And he was smitten, over the moon, and already gone in under ten seconds. 

A record even for him. Not that Myungjun was blaming himself as he looked at the newcomer that his friend had brought. A replacement man for the last guy who had called it quits a few weeks back for whatever reason. It was the same way that Myungjun himself had been pulled into the basketball games. And just like with himself he wondered why this guy had been selected, because he was short, even shorter than Myungjun.

Not that being short stopped anyone from playing, it certainly hadn’t stopped Myungjun. Nor had it stopped him from being absolutely handsome. The same for the newcomer, whose name he hadn’t learned yet but whose face he’d see that night. He was handsome, though his nose was a bit big his smile was everything, with a sharp jawline to go with, and muscles. Muscles that weren’t hidden at all by the cutout tee that he wore. 

Really one look and it had been all she wrote for Myungjun. He’d fallen, quicker than usual but no less true. And if he’d been among anyone else he might have wallowed in it, he might have stuttered over his words and let his instant feelings show. Instead they built up like a lump as he introduced himself and listened to Jinwoo’s introduction in turn. He couldn’t afford to be gay here, not among his coworkers, not among his guy friends. 

So he’d played the game, both with his feelings and on the court. Doing his best to pretend he hadn’t just starting falling harder than he’d ever done before. It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t his first time, and despite everything Myungjun ‘knew’ it wouldn’t be his last. He’d never be so lucky, had never been so lucky in love to actually find someone who loved him back anyway. Though hope sprung eternal. And it was hope that had him swallowing his tongue when the game ended. 

He’d been staring at Jinwoo, unintentionally, it wasn’t his fault that someone was talking to him and it had to do with the next game. It was normal to be curious if the other male would be showing up again. Then it happened, Jinwoo had nodded, lifted his shirt and turned to wipe his face. And there on his back was a mark that Myungjun would recognize anywhere, a mark that echoed one he’d put on himself. An exact replica of his first tattoo, well his only tattoo. 

A sunflower, a bit unique in the artstyle and one that his best friend Moonbin had selected for him in order for him to find his soulmate. He’d been nicer than Myungjun had been, as he’d suggested using a word and had nothing to actually use, which had left the tattoo artist deciding. In the end it still led Moonbin to his soulmate, Eunwoo but it had left him with a very not cute tattoo. Unlike Myungjun even though the odds hadn’t been in his favor since they were drunk at the time. 

That had been years ago, and really, truly Myungjun had about given up. Still felt like giving up as he turned away from whatever answer Jinwoo was giving. His soulmate looked like a fuck boy, his soulmate looked like a straight boy. His soulmate, Myungjun just ‘knew’ was like all the others, a heartbreak. He just wasn’t sure he could recover from this one. He wasn’t sure he wanted to try. Still he smiled and pretended, like he always did that nothing was wrong.

He smiled, a drop of sunshine among men he’d been told over and over by those that didn’t know, that couldn’t know how defeated he felt in that moment. Still he smiled on as he saw everyone off, staying long past they were supposed to in the locker room off the gym they used. Staring at the tattoo that was the original of the one Jinwoo had. A sunflower, Moonbin had told him that he was a sun several times. A bright person, a happy person, someone who made everyone feel better. 

In the moment, staring at his tattoo, knowing for sure its twin existed, he wished he could be the sun for himself. That he could truly make himself feel better about what he’d just learned. Or that he could forget. He knew he wouldn’t, just as he knew that he’d show up next week just because Jinwoo was and not because he loved basketball. Though he did, that could be had in other places, with other people. Yet, despite his feelings about love, he wanted to know his soulmate. 

X.x.x

A month or more had passed in what felt like the blink of an eye. And despite everything Myungjun had fallen harder for Jinwoo. Harder than he’d ever thought he could fall for someone. Of course he supposed that was because they were soulmates. Still,he’d done his best to not have much contact with the other outside the biweekly games. 

Even today he’d barely looked at Jinwoo and after the game sitting in the locker room Myungjun decided then that he would forget, that he would pretend to have never seen the mark at all. It wasn’t like Jinwoo had seen his, would ever see his. He kept his shirts firmly in place with his flat, but not muscled stomach. He didn’t want to deal with whatever the others would say after all. It wasn’t worth it, he was fit enough and he wasn’t going to be bullied into a more excessive workout routine. Moonbin already tried hard enough to get him to the gym.

With that decided he made his way out of the locker room and to the doors, where he was supposed to have locked up over thirty minutes ago. Only for his plan to fall apart as soon as he got there. Because there was Jinwoo looking worried, upset, and frantic. “Jinwoo, didn’t you leave already?” Keeping his voice playful, casual, and friendly was easy, practiced really. But Myungjun still found it hard in light of what he’d seen, learned, knew. 

“I forgot something. I was just about to try the door, then I realized everyone had probably left.” Jinwoo’s reply was just as easy as Myungjun’s had been, and he found himself smiling. Even though Jinwoo looked like a fuck boy, Myungjun wasn’t sure that he was. He was nicer than any fuck boy Myungjun had met at least, but he’d never exactly asked. “Is it too late to get it?” There was worry in his eyes that made Myungjun melt and shake his head, even though, if he didn’t have the door locked soon he’d get in trouble. 

“What was it?” Myungjun found himself asking as he reopened the door and held it open for Jinwoo, following him so he could lock up behind him. “I didn’t see anything big left in the locker room.” He added, though to be honest he hadn’t actually looked. Still he wanted to be helpful, he wanted to be more than helpful. But he’d settle for helpful, he’d settle for there. He’d already done it before after all. Many times. For straight boys who never got that his feelings weren’t as platonic as they were reading them. 

“My phone. It must have slipped from my pocket.” Jinwoo’s voice was nice, but Myungjun noted his words were slow and so was his pace even though he’d acted like he was in a hurry before. Myungjun shook his head no and a companionable silence fell as they crossed the gym. They hadn’t really spoken that much during the match, and it wasn’t like Myungjun thought speaking was going to do anything now. Other than make him blush.

Searching the locker room was a different experience though as they ended up on their hands and knees looking for Jinwoo’s phone. And at one point, without knowing how they’d come face to face, Jinwoo’s phone in between them. And if Myungjun wasn’t mistaken Jinwoo had placed it there, not found it there. “Your phone.” He forced himself to smile motioning to the device, he wasn’t about to call the other out on it. 

But something was off. He could feel it between them even as he sat back on his heels and watched Jinwoo do the same. “Thanks.” Jinwoo’s voice was tight, tighter than Myungjun had ever heard it. “You know Myungjun, while we’re here I don’t have your number. I have everyone else’s.” Fighting off the blush from the call out and the idea of Jinwoo having his number Myungjun nodded, taking the offered phone. For a second he thought about putting in fake number. There was no reason for Jinwoo to call him anyway.

“There. Call me anytime ok?” He didn’t mean it. Though Myungjun wanted to mean it, he also didn’t want to mean it so he didn’t. Not two seconds after Jinwoo had his phone, Myungjun’s was ringing. An unknown number, and a smile from Jinwoo that made something inside him melt in ways he wished they wouldn’t. He was tried of falling for straight boys, he was tried of being in love with Jinwoo who didn’t love him back. 

“My number.” Jinwoo nodded and Myungjun forced a smile pretending to add the contact right there. “Call me anytime.” There was a smile on Jinwoo’s face that would have made anyone melt, Myungjun was no exception. But he looked away anyway, getting up and helping the shorter and younger up with him. He didn’t let his fingers linger, even though they wanted to. They were at the door before either of them made anymore noise. It was Myungjun’s phone again.

A number that wasn’t registered, a number that had just called him. Jinwoo’s. And he saw the moment Jinwoo saw it, his eyes changing from the brightness they’d had in the locker room to a storm cloud. “I knew it.” The words were harsh, a whisper, a whip against Myungjun’s skin as the other glared up at him. “Why didn’t you save my number? Why do you keep avoiding me? Why won’t you even look at me?” Jinwoo’s questions were faster than Myungjun had ever heard the other speak before, they sounded hurt. “I know Myungjun, I know.” 

Those words made Myungjun freeze. He was afraid of what they meant, he was afraid to answer the questions. He could already feel his heart breaking. “I didn’t save your number because I…” He tried to lie, really he did but one look back into Jinwoo’s eyes and he couldn’t find the words to be that person anymore. He wasn’t sure he could find the faith to believe in love again, to have hope. But gods he wanted to, had wanted to ever since he’d met Jinwoo even though he’d already given up.

Still, his breath was shallow when looked into Jinwoo’s eyes and asked the question he wanted to know the answer to least. “What do you know?” He was hoping the answer was that he was gay, he was after all fairly certain that after a year playing with his friends here they knew that about him. Or suspected. That was fine, it was okay for Jinwoo to know that. It was inevitable and as long as it didn’t go around it was fine. But there was more to fear with Jinwoo. 

“I know about your tattoo, about my soulmark.” Jinwoo’s voice was unreadable and he looked away when he continued, his cheeks red. “I’ve known for awhile actually, the last two games.” There was vulnerability in his voice that Myungjun wasn’t sure what to do with, what to make of that sparked something like hope in him. “Why didn’t you tell me? I noticed you started avoiding me, correction have been avoiding me all along.”

Myungjun opened his mouth to answer but shut it again. In the light of Jinwoo’s questions it felt like he didn’t have an answer, or at least a good one. Still Jinwoo went on, his voice even more hurt. “I had to be told about your tattoo by someone else. Why didn’t you tell me? Was, am I not good enough?” That had Myungjun snapping to attention his own thoughts about love flying out the window in light of how he’d made the one he loved, even without wanting to, feel like that. The way that everyone else so far in love had made him feel. 

“No, no. NO.” Myungjun found the words coming faster and with each repetition. His feelings a giant lump of a knot in his stomach that he tried to work at and express himself. The keys in his hand as forgotten as their surroundings as he looked at Jinwoo, truly looked at him. Past the handsome, past the charming, past the straight fuck boy vibes to the insecure person, human underneath. Someone he’d unintentionally hurt. “It was never about you, not like that. It was me, I didn’t want to get hurt.” 

Saying it aloud felt selfish, but Myungjun knew that in love, that in feelings that’s just how it was. That’s why love hurt so much. Because he knew you let someone in enough to hurt you, or you hurt yourself because you couldn’t let someone else in. He knew that he couldn’t make himself believe he was worth that kind of trust, that kind of love. And it was in this moment he realized his error, and that it wasn’t just straight boys that were his problem. But the fact he was afraid to love himself enough to let someone else love him. Which was why he fell for those who couldn’t love him.

Jinwoo looked more understanding that Myungjun felt he deserved in that moment. His eyes shining, but not wet. Myungjun could feel tears pricking at the corners of his own eyes though. All of his easy sunshine smiles abandoning him in the moment as he spoke once more. A sad smile taking their place. “I guess I was afraid that you wouldn’t, that you couldn’t love me even though you bear the mark of my soul. I know it was selfish of me.” He looked away one second, and between them he could feel a connection that hadn’t felt like it was there before. 

“I’m sorry Jinwoo.” Myungjun looked back, tentatively he put his hand on the younger’s cheek rubbing his thumb there. It felt like a jolt of electricity ran through his body. It felt like he was truly seeing the other for the first time. “I was scared you’d be like every other straight boy I’ve ever met.” And he knew that Jinwoo was straight, not bi, not gay, not pan but straight for real. There was no guessing when the guys talked guy talk after all. Even if he didn’t really say much he still heard it. 

“I wouldn’t call myself straight Myungjun.” Jinwoo was leaning into his hand, and Myungjun almost felt his jaw drop at the words and the hand landing on his own. “Labels, no matter how accurate for some are just a label. I wouldn’t call myself any of them. I don’t need to. I have your mark on me, so in the end all I truly am is yours in the same way you’re mine.” Jinwoo at least had the decency to blush but Myungjun couldn’t comment on that with the way his own cheeks burned. “I mean, if you’ll have me.” 

Myungjun could only nod yes, his mind reeling from what Jinwoo had just said. What it meant, how bias he had been, and how he was still scared. Yet the lips that met his own were trembling just the same. And in that moment he knew, really knew that Jinwoo was the one for him. Had always, and would always be. He also knew as the younger pulled away, face red, probably just as red as his own, that he could still get his heart broken. Soulmates didn’t make a perfect relationship, that took work. But he was no longer going to give up without trying. This time he was going to believe in love, in his soulmate, in Jinwoo, but most of all in himself.

**Author's Note:**

> It's a long hard road to self love, truly it never ends. But I know you can love yourself enough to accept love in the end if you let yourself embrace you, flaws and all. 
> 
> Thoughts?


End file.
